Yo Mista Claus, We Is Gonna Pimp Yo Ride!

Just humour me here, for a while.

Imagine, you and your burberry-clad homies decide to go for a riotous, mental, bass-pounding night out at the almighty FALKIRK CRUISE. Now, I have absolutely no idea what this strange night out entails, and I don't know what happens on said 'cruise' - all I do know is after 8pm on a Saturday/Friday night, the Retail Park's car park becomes flooded with, and I quote my sister on this, 'like total modded cars n aw that aye?'

Take note here, when I say 'modded', I don't mean 'modded' in the sense of a James Bond car, with ejector seats and machine guns, nor do I mean 'modded' in regards to the shenanigans of West Coast Customs and XZibit (no idea how that's meant to be written down) in the almighty Pimp My Ride. What I mean by 'modded' is a faded neon pink Corsa with an awkwardly placed spoiler, a set of ugly neon lights that don't match the cars colour flickering horribly underneath it, a sound system that only seems to take the 'Bass' option into consideration and, as such has horrifically maxed-out bass sounds spewing from the windows - and finally, who could forget the shite exhaust pipe that sounds like an asthmatic dog. Running.

But yeah, back into context here, here you are with your friends, or 'neebers', and suddenly, out've nowhere pops Santa. Yes, there you are 'pumping up the beats' and, out of the blue comes Santa Claus in his sleigh. But this is no ordinary sleigh. This sleigh has been 'pimped' out beyond belief yo! Made by Q and X-Zibit (that looks a bit more gangsta than the last spelling), this titanium reinforced sleigh is equipped with the latest in gadgetry and armaments. On either side are six rocket-propelled missile launchers, which can lock onto to any target. Bulletproof windshields with razor window-wipers that can fly off and attack foes like boomerangs. A sound system with 145 amplifiers shaped like Christmas gifts, and, the most important accessory of all, furry dice dangling from the rear-view mirror. Let us not forget the reindeer. The genetically modified beasts (presumably modded by X to the Z - he seems the type) have forty nitrous oxide canisters attached to their legs, enabling them to reach top speeds of one thousand and forty six miles per hour. Not only this, but they have small robotic elves riding them, armed with machine guns and laser cannons. And, finally, in the carriage itself, Santa, who sits next to a precariously placed ejector seat. There's also some room in the back for a pool containing sharks with laser beams attached to their heads. Take that, Falkirk Cruise.

Anyway, nonsense aside, I've suddenly had an amazing idea to make every blog post up to the glorious day of the 25th of December - Christmas - 'festive related'. So expect some more insane, seasonal blog posts from the kaleidoscopic sensation that is my brain.

On another note, a video of me eating jalapenos will available at some point because all you buggers who didn't vote for Danyl made it so. Don't know when yet, it may not be made till I'm seventy four, but I promised you a video of me eating jalapenos if Danyl did not win the X Factor.

D'you reckon if I post it he'll visit me and get me a Christmas card? *dreams*

Mark, out, with a ho ho ho and a nagging thought questioning what the hell that blog post was about.
xxx